Des | EMDR Therapy Sydney|Clinical Psychologist

How to stop worrying about what others think

26/03/2019 By Des Leave a Comment

I call this the “Stand Down Dino!” method.

For over 50,000 years our ancestors had to constantly monitor what was going on around them. Not only did they have to watch out for the sabre-tooth tiger and poison berries, their biggest threat – their own tribe members.

As resources were limited, groups (about 40-200 members) needed to roam large areas to survive. Anyone of us who met the disapproval of the tribe or was considered working against the common interests was abandoned.

Abandonment nearly always meant death.

A key survival mechanism in our brain was to constantly scan and monitor others to ensure we had their approval. For example, a dirty look or a rolling of the eyes meant you had to do some quick social repair work with Aunt Lucy.

Fast forward to the industrial revolution around the late 1700’s, we moved to cities which gave us access to many new tribes (other than our family or local farming community).

Then, around 20 years ago the internet allowed us access to an even greater number of national and global tribes. If my family or community shunned me because I was gay or vegan or liked long-haired goats, I could find a tribe who accepted me. Today, exclusion does not mean death, but it still may feel like it.

Our brains have not yet evolved to embrace this new reality. They still react as if a dirty look or being rejected after a first date could mean abandonment or death.

This outdated dinosaur part of our brain is alive, well and running the show.

So, how do we change this?

Simple. Use your Evolved Brain too talk back to it.

Use your evolved brain to stop worrying what other think

The next time you change outfits 5 times, tell yourself your outdated Dinosaur brain is running the show. No one notices the difference between 5 patterned t-shirts.

KEY FACT: people who you think are judging you, have a dinosaur brain that is making them more worried about what YOU and others will think about them….

We are self-focused and paranoid about what others will think of us.

Here are a couple of examples

Dinosaur brain: “That guy on Tinder, didn’t ask me out again, nobody likes me”

Evolved brain: “Stand down Dino, who knows what his reasons are, let me keep on looking for someone who I like, and who likes me back”

Dinosaur brain: “If I get up and dance, everyone will laugh”

Evolved brain: “Stand down Dino, they will be worrying about what I and others think of them, lets dance like nobody is watching”

Dinosaur brain: “Don’t know which of these 5 t-shirts to wear, what if she thinks I’m a dork”

Evolved brain: “Stand down Dino, she probably will be worried about what I think about her outfit, let me wear something I feel is appropriate and comfortable”

Now to assume other people’s opinions of you don’t matter at all, is going too far. You probably won’t get the job if you wear your pajamas to an interview. We still have social rules.

When someone doesn’t approve or love you (and not everyone will), you may feel like you will die….

You won’t. That’s just your Dinosaur Brain. Talk back to it.

For a more nuanced understanding see:

Evolution, Social Roles, and the Differences in Shame and Guilt by Paul Gilbert, Social Research Vol. 70, No. 4, Shame (winter 2003), pp. 1205-1230

Hierarchy in the Forest, The Evolution of Egalitarian Behavior by Christopher Boehm

Tim Urban neatly calls this our Social Survival Mammoth

How to find a good EMDR therapist Step by Step

02/10/2018 By Des Leave a Comment

I am often asked to refer family or client’s partners to another EMDR therapist that I would recommend (this is a conflict of interest for therapists).

This is how I as a Accredited EMDR Practitioner would check credentials when I need to find one for my family members. There are no gaurentees but at least this gives you a good chance of getting someone who has good experience.

In Australia, EMDR therapists are graded by the EMDR Association of Australia (EMDRAA) according to there training and experience.

Step 1 – Goto EMDRAA Find a Therapist

Step 2 – Scroll down (Make sure you put in your State)

IF NO RESULT – TRY SAME SEARCH AGAIN!

Step 3 – Check for these three things (if possible)

1. Are they available?

2. Are they and Accredited Practitioner or an Accredited Consultant. If they are a Member – do more research, no gaurentee of experience.
3. Bonus – Do they offer a Medicare Rebate (This means they are a Psychologist or Clinical Psychologist registered with the Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency (AHPRA)

Note that some EMDR members are highly experienced, others do the training and rarely use it and its hard to know the difference.

To do more resarch to find a good EMDR therapist

Check their website.
Call them up and ask them what therapeutic modalities they mainly practice.
Ask them how often they use EMDR.

There are 3 grades.

1. EMDR Member

The person is a trained EMDR practitioner. They would have:

Completed the EMDR Basic training by a recognised EMDRAA Trainer (20 hours of Training),
10 hours of consultation with an EMDRAA Approved Consultant,
20 hours of practice.

If your therapist has obtained either of the next two Accreditation grades they will have gone through an additional rigorous evaluation program

2. EMDR Accredited Practitioner

The person is a Member AND has met additional requirements of supervision and experience. They would have

Completed the EMDR Basic training by a recognised EMDRAA Trainer (20 hours of Training),
20 hours of consultation with an EMDRAA Approved Consultant. Which includes witnessing the applicants EMDR clinical work either through DVD or in-vivo
They are members of the EMDRAA
The EMDRAA Consultant needs to have directly witnessed the applicant’s EMDR work either through the use of video/DVD or In Vivo
They would have completed at a minimum 50 EMDR Sessions (my personal experiences is that usually Accredited Practitioners have completed 200 plus hours if they use EMDR as their main therapy by the time they apply).
They would have treated with EMDR a minimum of 25 clients (my personal experiences is that usually Accredited Practitioners have treated 75 plus clients if they use EMDR as their main therapy by the time they apply).
They require two references, one from an EMDRAA Consultant and the second from a person who can comment upon their professional practice and standing.

3. Accredited Consultant

This means the person is an Accredited Practitioner AND has additional experience and skills to be approved by EMDR Australia to provide supervision to other therapists.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Desne Doman

Clinical Psychologist MAPS

EMDR Accredited Practitioner.

36 Questions that Build Closeness

21/09/2018 By Des Leave a Comment

Arthur Aron famously developed these 36 questions to bring people closer together in 1997. It went viral 20 years later when the New York Times published it as “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This”. Although there are varying claims to its effectiveness (and ineffectiveness), the questions can be a fun way to learn more about a partner, friend or family member. They come in 3 sets. Each set is intended to make each of you more vulnerable. The sets are progressively more probing questions. The final task of Set 3 is staring into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. You could skip this set if it is too awkward, but give it a go, keep it fun and you are likely to learn a lot about yourself.

Printable .pdf 36 Questions to Bring You Closer Together

Tip 1: Alternate who answers first, so you don’t feel self-conscious after hearing the other persons much more eloquent response.

Tip 2: Keep it light – you don’t have to do them all in one sitting.

Set 1

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
What would constitute a perfect day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s

Set 3

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in this room feeling…”
Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Final task/suggestion: Stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes

If doing this makes you nervous, how about memorising a few to use as conversation starters. Variations include:

If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
If you could live one day over and over again, what would you choose to do?
What can you not live without the most?
What is one thing you always wanted as a kid, but never got?
What is the nicest thing someone else has done for you?
Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?

EMDR therapy in Sydney

I am Clinical Psychologist an Accredited EMDR therapist in Crows Nest, Sydney.

Please call me on 9908 2950 to make an appointment or email me

EMDR therapy in Sydney

I am located at:

Centre for Clinical Therapy

119 Willoughby Rd, Crows Nest, Sydney

To contact me and find out more EMDR therapy Sydney

Kind regards,

Desne Doman

Clinical Psychologist MAPS

Medicare Rebates Available (with a current GP Mental Health Plan)

What happens during EMDR sessions?

24/08/2017 By Des Leave a Comment

Your first session is history taking and assessing your readiness as well as demonstrating what EMDR feels like. The second session will involve selecting targets (distressing memories and related incidents). You will also be taught skills to help regulate distress during sessions. The aim is to produce rapid and effective change whilst you maintain as much emotional equilibrium as possible.

The processing phase (session 3 or 4) begins by getting you to focus on the most distressing image associated with the traumatic experience, plus the emotions accompanying the image, body sensations (tight throat, increased heart rate), and an associated negative belief about yourself (e.g., ‘I could not save him’ or ‘I’m unlovable.’). There is no need to describe the memory in detail, and you can focus on those aspects of the memory without having to say them out loud. I (the therapist) do not need to know the detail, which is advantageous if some of your memories make you feel shameful or guilty.

Whilst holding in mind the most distressing image/emotion/body sensation/cognition, and not speaking, you will track a moving object (finger or pointer) across your visual field, for 10 to 40 seconds. (Other, non-visual options are alternating sounds or tapping sensations.)

There is nothing for you to ‘do’ or get ‘right’. Basically, we trust your mind and brain to go where they need to go to allow unprocessed traumatic memories to be processed. I will only intervene if your emotions become overwhelming.

After each set of eye movements, you are asked, ‘What are you noticing?’ (which is briefly reported, although you may choose not to say anything), you will be directed to ‘notice that’ for another set of eye movements (whilst not talking), after which you are again asked, ‘what do you notice?’ This basic, repeated sequence is the core of an EMDR session.

If your memories go forward or backwards in time, to earlier or later parts of the traumatic event, or even to completely different past of future events, it is accepted as normal. There is nothing to get wrong or right, just to trust a proven process with an experienced trained EMDR professional.

Near the end of a processing phase, distressing images are recalled to see if they still have a significant ‘emotional punch’ together with disturbing body sensations. If they are no longer distressing a new positive belief is installed.

Instructions are given to deal with any dreams, thoughts, etc. and the session is closed.

EMDR therapy in Sydney

I am Clinical Psychologist an Accredited EMDR therapist in Crows Nest, Sydney.

Please call me on 9908 2950 to make an appointment or email me

EMDR therapy in Sydney

I am located at:

Centre for Clinical Therapy

119 Willoughby Rd, Crows Nest, Sydney

To contact me and find out more EMDR therapy Sydney

Kind regards,

Desne Doman

Clinical Psychologist MAPS

Medicare Rebates Available (with a current GP Mental Health Plan)